The most central principle in Prenatal & Perinatal Psychology is that we are conscious and sentient in the womb, from conception onwards. The early developmental period from conception through post-birth is our most vulnerable, especially the first trimester. We are having our own experience of the womb environment, our mother’s life and emotions, and the dynamics surrounding her in her close relationships, and her environment.

Many of the issues resulting from being an adoptee are firmly rooted in the prenatal to birth period of development. The prenate (baby before birth) often finds herself in an unwelcoming womb. She may experience a short period of equilibrium in the womb, before her parents discover she is there. On discovery, as these pregnancies are often unplanned, there will be whole gamut of feelings and responses to her presence that will mark the beginning of a turbulent time for this little one. She will be the recipient of all kinds of feelings ranging from “I don’t want you” to “I want you”, to “I want you, but I can’t keep you because ….” and there is often a period of time during which the parents consider abortion as an option before deciding upon adoption. Sometimes the mom will want to keep her baby but will be forced by family members, or by her partner, to give her baby away. There are many dynamics happening around adoptees in the womb, and these have a profound effect on the little one at this formative and vulnerable time.

A mom who is going to give her baby away is very unlikely to bond with him in the womb, or to have much of a positive relationship at all with the child during pregnancy. After all, if she is not going to keep her baby, she is most likely to feel that she cannot, or does not want to, bond with him. In spite of that she and her child are symbiotically connected in every way. Her child feels her feelings, and the lack of bonding and connection leaves a hole in the little one’s development.

Being an unwanted child can be perceived by the prenate as a life threat to which their response would be to go into survival. When we are in survival mode we cannot thrive - it is not possible to do both. Abortion ideation can be part of the prenatal experience for an adoptee, this is when the parents consider abortion. During this time the prenate’s life is under threat and this also causes a survival response that will be a significant part of how they navigate the world. For example, “I cannot show myself because it is dangerous”, “I have to take care of everyone because then they won’t get rid of me”, “I must be quiet so no one knows I am here”, and so on. These become fundamental life patterns. They are not cognitive decisions, we have no cognition at this time of life, they are survival imprints and must not be underestimated in the profound effect they can have on a life. These are core imprints and can be running our lives.

As she approaches birth, this little one knows that when she comes out she will lose her mom. Just try to imagine how you would feel about your birth if you knew that once you arrived you would lose your mom. It is a devastating experience to lose your mom in this way, and leaves the child with deep abandonment issues. Why would this child want to get born if she is going to lose her mom when she arrives? This can set up a great deal of ambivalence in the child, who has probably already spent a lot of time in the womb bathing in her mom’s ambivalence about her being here.

For healthy bonding it is most important that we are with our mom, skin to skin, for the first hour after birth when the oxytocin is flowing strongest. After birth an adoptee is taken away and she has no one to bond to at that crucial time when we most need to be connected to our primary care giver. This is a huge interruption in bonding, and will have consequences. Often the little one will be taken to a nursery or some care center until she is adopted by her new family. Sometimes a baby will wait months with no one to bond to, and this has a deep and profound affect on a person’s ability to have healthy attachment in relationships. As an adoptive parent, if you want your child to fully bond with you, you will need to help her with this bonding interruption and the trauma surrounding it, plus any other dynamics attached to that period of time.

When baby goes to his new family he has already been here for a year or more (9 months in the womb plus however long it took to place him) and yet his new family is most likely to treat him as if he just started his life. In other words, adoptive parents rarely acknowledge the journey, trauma, loss, and devastation that their adopted child has experienced before joining their family. An adopted child has been through enormous loss and trauma, often even before birth. It is rare for adoptive parents to be able to support their new child to integrate their prior experiences. This is not because they don’t want to, it is because we live in a culture that does not acknowledge the consciousness of the little one, and does not therefore include their experience in the way adoption transactions are carried out. In some part, the adoptive family may be projecting their own needs onto their new baby and want to feel as if her life has only just begun from the time they met her so that they can feel more like she is their own child. Although this is not intended to be harmful to the child, it is.

An adoptee will grow up unable to put into words her experiences prior to her adoptive family, but will be profoundly and deeply living them. She will be unable to heal or put them into words without the help of adults to give her some language and empathy. Consequently, these little ones end up living a strange, disconnected kind of second life over the top of their ‘first’ life, which is not considered part of their life any longer by their new family. This makes it harder for them to have a felt sense of who they really are, because their core self is not integrated or acknowledged.

On top of this, adoptees are often raised to be grateful that they were ‘chosen’ or ’saved’ by their new family, and any unhappy feelings or expressions of the earlier trauma - which can be considerable - must be suppressed and may be misunderstood.

Some tips for parents considering adoption:

1. If you can be connected with your child whilst they are still in the womb, this is a great time to bond, and to acknowledge the realities of the situation.
2. Talk to your child in the womb and empathize with them about how this might be for them. Tell them what is going on.
3. Find out as much as you can about the birth mom and dad, and their family and ancestry so that your child can have access to their biological family. Pictures, stories, etc that can be kept and shared when your child is old enough would be great. It also helps to know as much as possible when healing early imprints.
4. Find out about the history of their gestation and see if any healing needs to happen around that. E.g. if their has been abortion ideation, lot’s of stress, tension, trauma in the mom - talk to your baby and support the mom to de-stress and connect with her baby. She may be able to have a connection with her baby that includes the truth of the upcoming separation and empathizes with how that might be for the little one. She may be able to love her baby just for this short time they will be together.
5. If you don’t meet your baby until after birth, find out as much as you can about the biological parents/family, and how the conception, gestation and birth went and think about what might need particular healing and attention.
6. Imagine yourself in the place of this little one and what they have been through, and practice a lot of empathy, holding space for her/him to have their feelings, rage, grief, and sadness as much as they need to express it. Babies need to express their feelings, they need to be listened to just like us!
7. If you are able to be present at the birth of your adoptee, talk to your baby before she comes and tell her what is going to happen long before the birth if possible. E.g. we are going to be there and catch you when you arrive, we are so excited and happy that you are coming. We know you are going to lose your birth mom when you come to us, and we are so sorry about that. We will hold you in that, and love you and never forget where you came from and what you went through to get here and be with us. Use whatever words are appropriate for your situation and comfort.
8. If you are adopting a baby from another country: These children have more complicated layers of trauma and loss to deal with because they have not only lost their mom and biological family, they also lose their culture, their country, and people who resemble them physically. Pay attention to these extra losses with empathy and understanding.

Your adopted child has a much better chance at a healthy self image, and a happy life, if she/he has been supported to integrate his/her early developmental period with understanding and empathy. Include their life before your family and they will have much higher possibilities for happiness, integration, and balance.

If you are already parenting an adopted child, it is never too late to address these early developmental issues. The same is true for those of you who are now adult adoptees.